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| Helen Allen Photography By Daniel Brock |
July, 2012
By Tutto Theatre Company
(TTC)
Almittie
(Chris Humphrey) [starts the interview without being asked a question.]: Coops! We have got to
recooperate if we’re going to get anywhere!....
TTC: Now listen—everyone wants to know this,
and people have asked each other about it for years, and so on…[O’Meggie {Helen
Allen} frowns], so OK! Exactly how
many orifices in a hen (whew)?
[Cluckophony
and a little screeching] Adelpha (Content Love Knowles) waves her wing feathers
under TTC’s nose: You do not ask a
hen her age, you do not ask her who
preens her, and you do not ask her
that! Why, I oughta…
O’Meggie
[batting eyelashes] Oh, we have numerous mouths [purses lips, reapplies makeup
to mole]: I think it’s seven!
TTC:
I thought it was three!
O’Meggie:
The Vulgarity!!
TTC: Shut. Up. That’s the title of my next play.
O’Meggie
[aside to Adelpha]: F. I don’t
like this GD, F, S, CS, BF-ing interview!
Adelpha
[aside to O’Meggie]: FO. IMHO it’s
making you famous.
O’Meggie [aside to Adelpha]: Oh…well,
alright….OK….umm…what’s famous?
TTC:
Has there been one true love of your life?
Almittie
[blushing to her quills]:
Ahh! The beautiful, lovely
and loud Chanticleer! My feathers
were so smooth when we were together!
Adelpha
[all feathers standing up]:
Foghorn Leghorn is more your speed! You keep your wattles off my Chanticleer! [softening] I will always be Peck-tolote “beloved of Chanticleer!”
O’Meggie
[glowering]: You know what mine is—Chik-fil-A.
Almittie:
KFC is more like it!
Adelpha:
Cannibals!
O’Meggie:
Yeah? You should try Lucy’s Fried Chicken offa South Congress. The have the best fried chicken.
Day and night the actors and celebrities line up to get in there—not
just chicken, it’s a high-class chicken place….
TTC
[changing subject before cannibalism becomes actual]: when you go to church in Meridian and the sermon becomes
boring, do you throw down a little bag of scratch or do you watch others’
bonnets for flies buzzing around them?
O’Meggie:
I pray.
Adelpha: I cross my eyes; I’m one of the few
hens who can do that.
Almittie: I tell leetle stories to make my
sisters laugh.
Adelpha: Ha, ha, HA! She tries to make us laugh! Like the one about John Smith.
O’Meggie
[guffaws]: Yeah! He found a Book
of Mormon!
Adelpha: She meant John Smith and
Poke-a-haunt-ass!
[screech-a-tronic wonderland].
TTC: This is the definition of bird brains.
All:
Ca-caw, Ca-caw!
Adelpha
[shrugs]: Hey, we’re hens, we’re all bird brains.
Almittie
[furious, holds up three wing feathers to TTC]: Read between the lines, F!
Adelpha
[aside to TTC, pointing at Almittie]: She never met a rooster she didn’t
like! [To all]: But actually, we’re really compatible
with Mormons. Yes, we’re sister
wives.
O’Meggie
[quickly]: I’m the hot one of the
sister wives!
Adelpha
[agreeing]: The Chloe Sevigny
wife!
TTC:
I heard that Chloe Sevigny in Brown Bunny….
O’Meggie:
Right, the Chloe Sevigny wife!
TTC:
…in Brown Bunny…
O’Meggie: Equals dipshit, Almittie, stop looking
at me.
TTC
[clutching desperately for control of the interview]: How about that Cruce
Prater!
All: uh…uh…UH!
[collective sigh].
O’Meggie: Cruce naked is a cracker---peck, peck,
peck.
Almittie
[quietly]: I have a secret. Cruce
Prater can be bought!
Adelpha: Naw, naw, the thing about Cruce is:
[[
BIG DICK ]]
Adelpha
[hopingly, after everyone returns to the room]: Is he a chicken fucker?
All: He sure is, he sure is!
Almittie
[thoughtfully]: He was so pretty before he went broke. I won’t let him come around Polly since
he got busted up. Someone ask
Esther what she thinks about Cruce.
They went to school together, you know.
O’Meggie: I thought they were mother and son. Uh, OK, I get it.
Adelpha:
They dated. She and Almittie are
sisters that way.
[Embarassed,
awkward silence. Then:]
All:
Wack, wack-waaa! Caw, caw,
c-caw…c-caw…c-caw!
[This
continues until Herk has to come out and turn off the light in the hen house.]
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